Alternate Bond Themes--Ace Of Base's The Goldeneye

There are bad decisions, and then there are BAD decisions.

In the mid-1990s, the Swedish group Ace Of Base was ridiculously hot.

So they were chosen to do the theme for Goldeneye, the film to restart the Bond franchise after a long dormancy.

Here's the demo version played over Goldeneye's opening credits...be kind, it is just a demo version, after all...


So what happened?

According to legend, in one of life's nasty little irony's, the band's American label, Arista Records, decided that Goldeneye was going to be a big box office bomb, and that having Ace Of Base associated with the film would damage their career. So they pulled the plug on the project.

Oops.

Of course, Goldeneye was a huge smash, and Ace Of Base never quite regained the heights of popularity their debut had, especially in the U.S.

Year later they reused the song, retitling it "The Juvenile," and replacing the words "the Goldeneye" with "The Juvenile." No, that doesn't make a ton of sense to me, either. Here's the "new" tune:


It's not a bad tune, and I've never been a big fan of the Bono & Edge written/Tina Turner performed version that was used, which always struck me as less than the sum of its parts. So you have to wonder what would have happened had Arista not been so terribly, terribly wrong...

Alternate Bond Themes--Blondie's For Your Eyes Only

Look, I know musical tastes are a personal thing. There's no right or wrong. One man's treasure is another man's trash. Etc.

But there are a lot of people who say that this song is better than Sheena Easton's song for For Your Eyes Only, and they are objectively wrong.



Blondie submitted this song for FYEO, and was told that sorry, Bill Conti (who was doing the score) had already co-written the theme song they were going to use. Blondie was offered to chance to sing that song, but the band said no.

They then put their song on Blondie's final album, The Hunter.

And I'm sorry, in no possible way is this anywhere near as good as the Conti/Leeson/Easton song.

Yeah, maybe I'm a soft touch for Ms. Easton...I do have it ranked as the #4 Bond theme of all time. And I'll concede that a song you hear when you're 17 sung by a gorgeous Scots lass just might have a wee bit of hormonal nostalgia in the rating.

But I'm sorry, as a movie theme, a 007 theme, Easton's version is superior musically, lyrically, and in performance.

Hey, I love Blondie. But for a theme song? Their song is mixed poorly--Debbie Harry's vocals are buried so deep in the wall of sound that they become too remote and unemotional, especially in the chorus. Yes, I know that was Blondie's style, but it was the wrong style for a movie theme--you shouldn't have to strain to hear the film's title buried under an oversampled chorus. (In fairness, some of that might have been gussied up for the movie had their song been chosen)

Easton's hit was, by contrast, lush and romantic, the slower pace more apropos of the many underwater sequences in the film, and as a contrast to the movies non-stop action. And Sheena belts the living hell out of the tune.

Blondie's version is a fair Bondie song--but seriously, would anyone even put it in their top 20 Blondie songs?--but not a great theme song.

If, however, you want a kick-ass Blondie-sung Bond song, you might try this:

Alternate Bond Themes--Lorraine Chandler's You Only Live Twice

I've never been thrilled with the theme to You Only Live Twice.

It's not a bad song, not at all, and does a nice job of creating an Asian feel for a movie that's set entirely there.

But, in my uneducated opinion, John Barry's arrangement feels a little too syrupy, and Nancy Sinatra never seems comfortable, neither with the unusual rhythm of the song nor the slightly lower key.

Meanwhile, 20+ years later, RCA was cleaning out their vaults, and found this little ditty lying around, unreleased and forgotten:




Lorraine who, you're asking?

Fair question, as she's never been a household name. A Detroit singer, songwriter and producer, Lorraine Chandler had a fairly unknown singing career, but penned and/or produced a number minor hits for Motown artists as well as her own label, Pied Piper Records. 

She wrote this version of You Only Live Twice for the film, it was rejected, and buried in a basement somewhere until uncovered by RCA. They issued it as a vinyl single, and it became a hit in England's "Northern Soul" scene of the late 80s and early 90s, which in turn lead to a number of her songs being re-issued on CD. So, it didn't make her famous in the 60s, but it paid off in the 90s!!

As to the song, I can't say it's better than the Sinatra version. I don't know if the soul approach works for this particular movie, and the use of elements from the 007 theme feels a bit tacked on, maybe a bit too eager too sound Barry-ish, a little too on the nose. And the production is a little too "wall of noise," I feel, with Chandler's vocals getting a bit buried, as well as the backing vocals during the chorus.

I do like the lyrics, though..."One drink from the cup of love/And you might find/The love that you taste/Could be bitter wine/But take a second chance/You'll find love again/And because life is love/You'll be born again/You'll be born again/With a second chance/You will find love again/A new romance/(You only live twice) You only live twice..." Quite nice.

So, no major revelation here. But the discovery of a pretty good song that brought the artist some modicum of fame decades later is a nice story...

Meanwhile, here's a Nancy Sinatra song I like much better. WARNING: If you let your children watch this video, puberty might kick in early. Oh, 1960s, how I love you...

Alternate Bond Themes--The Best Quantum Of Solace You've Never Heard!!

Not all the great alternate Bond themes are by otherwise famous performers--at least, not famous to Americans.

Which is an odd way to go about introducing you to The Best Goddamned Bond Theme That You've Never Heard Before.

Now, I don't hate the Jack White and Alicia Keys joint they used for Quantum Of Solace, but it does have some fair significant defects as a Bond theme. Like many a White song, it's 95% rhythm and 5% melody, an approach that doesn't work as well for a 007 theme as it does on a White Stripes album. Keys is so much a better singer than White that it proves distracting in a duet. Not using the film's title in the song earns major demerits. And, lyrically, it seems entirely too self aware, less about the movie or plot or themes than it about White eclaiming "I'm writing a song about writing a James Bond song"...hell, Keys' last lines in the song are "Shoot 'em up/Bang bang" and "Bang bang bang bang." Seriously now...

Yeah, these guys were hip and popular. But the best choice for the movie? Not. A. Chance.

Written and arranged by Christian Wolf, lyrics and vocals by Eva Almer, allow me to present Forever (I Am All Yours)--one of the rejected themes to QoS:



Holy crap, THAT is a Bond theme!!

And look, it actually uses the title of the freakin' movie!! Was that so difficult?!?!?!

Now, it's not perfect...the use of dialogue clips from Casino Royale is kind of lame, and not terribly clear, and frankly sounds like it's there just hide a clumsy key change. The chorus is a bit repetitive lyrically; and perhaps it is tied a bit too closely thematically to Casino Royale instead of QoS.

But it's big and brassy and over the top and in your face and clearly better--at least as a James Bond theme--than Another Way To Die.

Eva Almer is a Swedish performer, and you can find the MP3 of this tune on Amazon or iTunes...but nothing else (at least in America). Christian Wolf is harder to track down info on, because there is no shortage of people named Chris Wolf or Christian Wolf (not to mention another composer named Christian Wolff, and a German philosopher and Baron on the same name...).

But that just goes to show that you don't have to be well known on the American pop charts to write a great Bond theme. To get Eon to use it, though, you probably do...

Alternate Bond Themes--Alice Cooper's The Man With The Golden Gun?!?

Let's continue our examination of "could have been" Bond themes with...Alice Cooper?

Live And Let Die had broken open a huge barrier--for the first time a Bond song wasn't by a crooner or what many would call an "adult contemporary" star--it featured a real live rock star!! A Beatle, even!!

So Alice Cooper (!?!), no doubt along with many other ambitious rockers, submitted his stabs at the brass ring for the next 007 movie.

Ah, but you see, John Barry was back in charge of the music this time around, and, well, he obviously wasn't too big a fan of that kind of music--at least not for Bond films. It would be another 5 movies until Duran Duran broke through with another rock theme.

And of course, Barry chose...Lulu?

While this is what could have been...



Alice Cooper has claimed that his song was accepted and set to be used until it was dumped at the last minute for Lulu's. Other sources say Cooper's unsolicited track was never in the running. Since Barry composed Lulu's tune, the latter seems more likely.

It's a catchy little number, and clearly Barry would have brassed it up a bit. Perhaps, though, it's maybe a little too much of a ride-McCartney's-coattails number...Cooper is clearly pushing the edge of his range, and the inclusion of a sudden tempo change midway through sound a lot like he's trying to imitate Live and Let Die.

Alice Cooper later released the track on his Muscle Of Love album.

Regardless, it's far better than the Lulu tune, which is widely regarded amongst the worst of Bond themes. Barry himself declared it "the one I hate the most." It sounds like someone trying do an ersatz Shirley Bassey--extra-brassy, but without the panache.

Which isn't to pick on Lulu...there's only so much she could have done with a song that poor. No, let's remember her from happier days:

Alternate Bond Themes--Johhny Cash & Thunderball!!

Well, the evening Daily 3 lottery number in Michigan on Friday was 007, which is pretty clearly a sign that I need to get off my butt and start putting something here to fill up the next 817 days until The Hildebrandt Rarity.

So how about some alternate Bond theme songs?

Let's be clear--I'm not talking about cover versions of already existing Bond themes. No, we're going to be discussing completely different, original Bond themes that didn't get used for various reasons.

Obviously, getting a Bond theme can be quite a feather in the cap for an artist, and many took the time to compose, record and submit (often unsolicited) attempts at the title song for the next 007 movie.

First up, one of those combinations that you swear wouldn't work, but kind of worms itself into your brain: Johnny Cash and Thunderball. I know...what the #$$?

But after Goldfinger, a lot of folks realized there was a lot of prestige--and money--to be gained from following in Shirley Bassey's footsteps. And Johnny Cash and his team were right in line. And rejected.

Obviously, I cannot suggest that the Cash attempt is better than Tom Jones' classic over-the-top brilliance, either as a song or as an appropriate theme for the era's Bond films.

Remember, though, that had Cash's version been accepted, John Barry would have substantially re-arranged it--at the very least--so it could well have ended sounding more like a 60s Bond theme. Certainly he would have reworked the staccato "Western" sound of the song.

Plus, the song has merits of his own. Johnny Cash singing about a nuclear blackmail scheme? Wild. "Money-hungry minds need a threat to launch a scheme"??? BEST. LINE. EVER.

And, honestly, it's a pretty catchy song.

So enjoy:


And for sure, Johnny Cash's theme would never have had this reaction from the ladies:

Ranking The Theme Songs

Well, it's time to officially put my neck on the line, as I rank ALL of the James Bond theme songs. Before anyone attacks me as having no taste:

A) Well, you're probably right. I freely admit that I'm a musical idiot.
B) As always, this is just a catalogue of my tastes, not some absolute declaration of musical quality. There are few bad songs here, but some decent ones are ranked lower because, while good, don't meet up with what I think are the requirements to be a good Bond theme song.
C) Said requirements include, but are not limited to: appropriateness for the genre, ability to be used well in the film's score, memorability...it's not an exact science, there's no formula, and I can't promise that I've applied these all consistently.
D) I do not include "The James Bond Theme." It only covered 1/3 of the credits in Dr. No, and of course has become so iconic that there's no way it wouldn't win. Call it a Hall Of Fame member.
E) Casino Royale (1967), being a "comedy," is not included on the list. While I like the theme song, it's a comedy theme song, not a spy movie theme song, so it would be comparing apples and oranges. Never Say Never, which desperately wanted to be a "real" Bond movie, is included.
F) As with all the other rankings I'll be throwing up here, this is just a snapshot of 2008. My (and society's) tastes shift, some things age well and some badly. This list looks different than the last time I did it, and will look different again a few years from now. Hell, it looks different than 5 minutes ago, as I re-arranged some things twice while typing this up...

OK, I've covered my ass enough. Let the kvetching begin!!

21) Never Say Never Again (Lani Hall)--Ouch. After spending a gazillion dollars to get Sean Connery on board, you'd think they would have spent a few bucks on a song that didn't sound like it came from a generic 1985 romantic comedy or sitcom. Yuck.

20) The Man With the Golden Gun (Lulu)--A vapid attempt to forge a Bond song from elements that were successful elsewhere. Lulu is no Shirley.

19)From Russia With Love (Matt Monro)--A decent tune, but Monro's syrupy vocals turn what should be an exotic evocation of globe-trotting into a sappy crooner. They didn't play his vocals over the opening credits for a reason...

18)Moonraker (Shirley Bassey)--Third time was not the charm for Shirley. Granted, it must have been tough to come up with a good song for the title, but this is Shirley's weakest performance to boot.

17) "All Time High"--Octopussy (Rita Coolidge)--Demerits for not including the movie's title in the song (although that seems to be the new trend). An attempt to capture the style of "Nobody Does It Better," but it's not a Bond song at all--it's not about the plot, not about Bond, not about the girl, the villain, the action--it's just a generic (albeit not completely terrible) love ballad.

16) The Living Daylights (a-Ha)--The perils of trying to be trendy. Sometimes it works, sometimes you pick a one-hit wonder who deserved to be. The thready vocals, weak syntho-pop, and lame lyrics confirm that it was the video for "Take On Me" that made the band a hit, not their music. No Duran Duran here...


15) The World Is Note Enough (Garbage)--I like Garbage. I like Shirley Manson. And while I'm listening to the song, I like it. But it's not memorable at all--when it's not playing I just can't remember how the damn thing goes! Like many of the David Arnold era, it's not different enough from the others.

14) License to Kill (Gladys Knight)--One of those I can never make up my mind about. Sounds great while listening to it, but fades from the mind very quickly after consumption. And the chorus doesn't fit comfortably with the rest of the song...

13) Tomorrow Never Dies (Sheryl Crow)--Not bad. Suffers from the fatal defect of being infinitely poorer than the alternate title track by k.d. lang that ran over the end credits. And the chorus is overly-histrionic when her voice simply can't handle that. Sorry, Alex.

12) You Only Live Twice (Nancy Sinatra)--Great, lush melody, used excellently in the film...but Nancy's voice isn't up to the challenge.

11) Goldeneye (Tina Turner)--I wish I could rank this one higher than I do, but it's starting to get tough. Sadly, it's in the movie with the worst score known to modern man, so the song's virtues quickly get burned out of your brain by the terror that is Eric Serra.

10) Live and Let Die (Paul McCartney & Wings)--I'm not as high on this as nearly everyone else is. To quote from my review of the movie: "It's too schizophrenic for my tastes, less than the sum of its discordant parts... it feels like somebody jammed "Man With the Golden Gun" and "Nobody Does It Better" together, but didn't bother to thoroughly blend them. Individually the parts work...together, not so much."

9) "You Know My Name"--Casino Royale (2006) (Chris Cornell)--This damn song grows on me the more I listen to it. I've never cared much for Chris Cornell in any of his bands, it doesn't use the film title, it was a real dick move not to allow it on the movie soundtrack CD--there are a lot of reasons I shouldn't rate it this high. But there it is. Goddammit, it's a good song.
8) Diamonds Are Forever (Shirley Bassey)--Perhaps the most underrated Bond theme. Overshadowed by "Goldfinger," but just listens to Shirley's vocals, the throbbing bass line...sensuous and strangely enthralling.

7) Thunderball (Tom Jones)--You have to respect a song when the guy faints trying to sing it. So over the top that it's a perfect fit for it's movie, both in the credits and throughout the movie.

6) Die Another Day (Madonna)--OK, I'll admit I'm a Madonna fan, so maybe my tastes are colored here. And I know the electronica-lite isn't for everyone. But once you get past that intro, there's an attempt to do something really different, to break out of the mold that had other Bond themes of the era sounding more-or-less interchangeable. And it works perfectly in concert with what they're trying to do over the opening credits. An idiosyncratic choice to put it this high, but one I'm sticking with.

5) "Nobody Does It Better"--The Spy Who Loved Me (Carly Simon)--One of those songs that you constantly take for granted, forgetting how good it is until you actually listen to it again. I do wish that it had used the title more than once as a throwaway, but that's it's only weakness.

4) For Your Eyes Only (Sheena Easton)--Haunting and gorgeous. Practically perfect.

3) On Her Majesty's Secret Service (John Barry)--The days of instrumentals for Bond films are long gone (what, someone can't give Moby a shot?), but it's hard to see why. A great, great, GREAT spy movie instrumental, circling around itself again and again while never repeating. And now it's stuck in my head again for the next two weeks.

2) A View To A Kill (Duran Duran)--Yes, I'm serious. This is one freakin' awesomely good song, the first attempt at a "modern" Bond theme, as John Barry unexpectedly drags the franchise musically into the 1980s (especially surprising after the Beach Boys in the teaser). And hell, just listen to Simon LeBon emote! Plastic Soul at it's finest.

1) Goldfinger (Shirley Bassey)--No surprise. The ur-Bond theme song, surely already existing in our race memory and merely plucked forth by Bassey and Barry and Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley. As responsible as anything else for the popularity of the Bond franchise. Seriously.

Well, there it is. Have at me...