Hildebrandt Rarity?

Monday, May 26, 2008

5 Things We Need To See in Future Bond Movies

You'd think that, 21 movies in, we'd have seen every exotic location, sampled every alcoholic beverage, dealt with every type of villain, and basically done it all.

Well, not so fast. I've got a little list here of things we have yet to experience in a Bond movie. It's probably too late to get these into Quantum of Solace, but we can start planning for Bond 23--The Hildebrandt Rarity.

So now, the top 5 things we need to see in future Bond films:

OK, I admit it...I want metallica to do a Bond theme, too5) Modern music.

Ever since Goldfinger's sadly misguided jab at the Beatles, the Bond films have studiously avoided coming near any contemporary music. Oh, sure, the theme songs have tried to be aggressively hip, but within the movies themselves? Waltzes, tangoes, carnivale, dixieland, and garbled Russian versions of Stand By Your Man. Somehow, after his editorial comment on the Beatles, 007 managed to glide through the 70s, 80s and 90s without the slightest reference to disco, punk, grunge or electronica.

I mean, if 007 can dis John & Paul, can't he rip Coldplay or Clay Aikens, too? At least something to show some level of cultural awareness in these movies...

Hey, even *I* have eaten Iron Chef cooking...4) Food

Sure, James Bond is a wine and alcohol snob. But do you ever see him eat anything? Or tell M that her creme brulee is pedestrian, or taunt a villain that his ceviche is poorly marinated?

Aside from the occasional caviar, James Bond pretty much ignores food. But doesn't it make sense that someone who is such an epicure for alcohol would also be something of a gourmand when it comes to food? Live a little, James...eat some Iron Chef, finish a meal for once. Prove you're a true gastronome and not just a drunk with delusions of grandeur.

What do we want? Quantum of Solace! When do we want it? 163 Days!!3) Real World Politics

Don't get me wrong...we all like our Bond with at least one foot firmly planted in the realm of fantasy.

But sometimes, by being so deliberately blind to the state of the world, the 007 films just make themselves look stupid, not escapist. Bond will oppose North Korea, not because of dictatorship or a nuclear program, but because of one megalo-maniacal general with a solar satellite and a magic suit? (The rest of North Korean generals are apparently pretty nice guys, you see)Britain and China almost go to war, but not because of repression or Tibet, but because of an evil media mogul?

The movies used to have the occasional pithy comment about the Cold War or detente. Now the producers seem to afraid to do that. I don't want a "real world" Bond story. But just once, I'd to to hear 007 or M talk trash about the politicians who let things go to hell until MI-6 was needed to sort it out, or a remark about how a genocide going on somewhere was a lot worse than anything Le Chiffre was up to. I know that will NEVER happen, but it would be nice.

Seriously, 007 at a baseball game...what's not to love??2) Summer sports

I don't know about you, but how many times can we see Bond ski down a mountain? Or snowmobile? Or bobsled? Or paraglide down a melting glacier?

Enough with the winter sports, guys. I know they look cool on film, but you've done them to death. Why not some summer sports? Bond's been roughed up on a hockey rink--why not a baseball diamond, or a cricket pitch, or a rugby field? Evil biathloners (sp?) have hunted Bond--why not evil track & fielders, hurling shot puts or javelins? Instead of a ski or bobsled chase, how about bicycles?

I know, I know, it all sounds silly. That's why I'm not a screenwriter. But variety is the spice of life, and we've done winter sports to death. And think about this setting for part of Bond 23--the 2012 London Summer Games. Is that perfect, or what?

The biggest oversight in Bond movie history1) Australia

Believe it or not, in the movies, Bond has never set foot in Australia. He did in at least one of the continuation novels (although I can't remember which). But in the movies, never.

Dudes, part of the charm of Bond is the exotic travelogue, and for almost 50 years, you've skipped over AN ENTIRE CONTINENT!! Which is especially embarrassing, because that continent is part of the Commonwealth!! Think of the story possibilities, think of the great footage you could get in Australia! Fix this now!!


  1. My Google Fu says Bond went to Oz in Ten Minus Zero by Raymond Benson.

    That the one?

  2. I sort of vaguely recall one of the Gardner novels taking place there, but it's been forever since I read them.

  3. Aside from the occasional caviar, James Bond pretty much ignores food.

    True, but let's not forget Q's awesome hoagie in Goldeneye. Possibly the best sandwich in the entire series, unless there's a threesome love scene I'm not remembering.

  4. You wanna Bond sandwich? Stayed tuned later this week for From Russia With Love...