Alternate Bond Themes--Johhny Cash & Thunderball!!

Well, the evening Daily 3 lottery number in Michigan on Friday was 007, which is pretty clearly a sign that I need to get off my butt and start putting something here to fill up the next 817 days until The Hildebrandt Rarity.

So how about some alternate Bond theme songs?

Let's be clear--I'm not talking about cover versions of already existing Bond themes. No, we're going to be discussing completely different, original Bond themes that didn't get used for various reasons.

Obviously, getting a Bond theme can be quite a feather in the cap for an artist, and many took the time to compose, record and submit (often unsolicited) attempts at the title song for the next 007 movie.

First up, one of those combinations that you swear wouldn't work, but kind of worms itself into your brain: Johnny Cash and Thunderball. I know...what the #$$?

But after Goldfinger, a lot of folks realized there was a lot of prestige--and money--to be gained from following in Shirley Bassey's footsteps. And Johnny Cash and his team were right in line. And rejected.

Obviously, I cannot suggest that the Cash attempt is better than Tom Jones' classic over-the-top brilliance, either as a song or as an appropriate theme for the era's Bond films.

Remember, though, that had Cash's version been accepted, John Barry would have substantially re-arranged it--at the very least--so it could well have ended sounding more like a 60s Bond theme. Certainly he would have reworked the staccato "Western" sound of the song.

Plus, the song has merits of his own. Johnny Cash singing about a nuclear blackmail scheme? Wild. "Money-hungry minds need a threat to launch a scheme"??? BEST. LINE. EVER.

And, honestly, it's a pretty catchy song.

So enjoy:


And for sure, Johnny Cash's theme would never have had this reaction from the ladies:

America Sucks...

...at espionage and national security. At least according to the early James Bond films.

Which always had me wondering a bit, as Broccoli and Saltzman reportedly aimed the series at what would be popular in America. And Americans ate it up.

But the unquestionable message of the first few films is: Americans are dumber than a bag or rocks.

Let's look at the record, shall we?

Dr. No: Dr. No is using his secret base on Crab Key in Jamaica to test out S.P.E.C.T.R.E.'s new "toppling" system, a way of using radio beams to upset the gyroscopic control of missiles. He's toppling American space rockets, causing much embarrassment for NASA.

Felix Leiter (Jack Lord) can't find a single clue as to what might be going on, even though every single person on the island practically ducks and covers at the mention of Crab Key or Dr. No. But British agent Strangways had figured it out before he was killed. And of 007 did, too, in about 5 minutes. And even though an American missile launch is about to be attacked, Leiter stays behind and lets Bond sort it all out (perhaps he was scared of the dragon!). And, in what will become American style for the whole series, he shows up with the U.S. Navy...after Bond has killed the bad guy and defeated his plan.


Rating: 2 Cletus' (out of a possible 5). I'll give the U.S. a little break here, because the action was in British territory.


No American involvement in From Russia With Love, so let's jump to:

Goldfinger. The first Bond movie set in the U.S.A. Things have got to look better for we Americans, right?!?!?

Wrong. It would be impossible to make Americans look more inept than they did in this movie. The Keystone Cops were more effective.

First off, we have Cec Linder as the least effective Felix Leiter ever. Seriously, all he's good for is carrying messages. "Bond, M says this." "M, Bond's in America." And he just stands around, grinning and shaking his head at good ol' 007's antics. He's clueless and useless.

But wait, it gets worse. Goldfinger is a foreign national doing substantial business on U.S. soil, and we're supposed to believe that neither the FBI nor CIA had any files on him? Hell, Hoover had files on everybody!! Then were supposed to believe that Goldfinger had a dozen of the top mobsters in the country, all at the same time, out to his stud farm. And no one in the U.S. government noticed. No surveillance, no memo, no nothing.

But wait--it gets worse. Chinese troops AND nerve gas AND a nuclear bomb were smuggled into the U.S. And no red flags went up anywhere. China is about to set off a nuclear explosion destroying America's gold stores, destabilizing the world economy, and no one in America notices. China is about to kill 15,000 American troops, and no one has the least inkling. The ONLY way this crisis is averted is because a British agent seduces a lesbian.

Given this level of incompetence, it's pretty hard to believe America even survived the Cold War, let alone won it.

Rating: 5 Cletus'.



Thunderball: Two NATO nuclear bombs are stolen, and S.P.E.C.T.R.E. threatens to blow up a major British or American city. Well, Felix Leiter (Rick Van Nutter) isn't much help. Despite the fact that Largo and his peeps are walking around wearing HUGE-ASS S.P.E.C.T.R.E. rings, and that he's hanging around with the sister of someone from the missing flight, Leiter has no clue. Bond figures it out in a nano-second.

Worse, despite supposedly having already searched everywhere for the stolen plane, the U.S. military can't find it. James Bond in a lone helicopter is able to find it.

Finally, the U.S. Navy gets fooled by the "shell" of the Disco Volante, blowing that up while allowing the hovercraft part to escape.

In their favor, again, it wasn't U.S. territory, and the U.S. did provide the dozens of underwater soldiers necessary to recapture the bombs.

Rating: 3 Cletus'.

You Only Live Twice: Well, it had the first theme song performed by an American, so that counts for something, right?

Otherwise, it's all bad. S.P.E.C.T.R.E. is stealing American space flights (and Russian) as part of a China-backed plot to start WWIII. And America falls for it hook, line, and sinker.

The Americans decide, without any evidence, that Russia must be responsible. They pompously reject Britain's evidence that it's not Russia. And they pledge to be the first to press the button should anything else happen to their space flights.

This is especially damning, because the scenario as portrayed in the movie means that America cannot track ships once they leave orbit. Great tech there, guys. This means that, even though Japan is their sphere of influence, major space launches and landings can take place from there, without their having a frakking clue.

Nope, the Americans can't even watch their own back yard, arrogantly assuming that their first instinct must be right. It's up to modest, intelligent Britain (with the help of a herd of ninjas) to keep America from blowing up the world.

Rating: 4 Cletus'.


No American involvement in On Her Majesty's Secret Service (except, they apparently agreed to pay Blofeld's ransom along with everybody else). So that take us to:

Diamonds Are Forever: Once again, America's intelligence (and political) community are dimwits. A major smuggling ring has been bringing HUGE amounts of diamonds into the U.S. for some time. No one even had any idea, apparently.

Also, it seems, any private citizen can send the government a killer satellite to launch, and they'll be glad to put it into orbit for you. No inspections, no questions asked,apparently. Could have been a payload of nuclear bombs, as fare as Vandenberg is concerned.

It really must be embarrassing to have so many threats to American security originating undetected on American soil. And Willard Whyte is politically connected, so the government won't let the CIA get involved.

I won't fault the U.S. for not having any space defenses prepared, as it was only 1971...but you'd think after the experience of YOLT, they'd have some response prepared (editor's note--just wait until Moonraker).

And when it comes to crunch time, do they send in American agents to confront Blofeld? Nope, just a British agent, even though, as Blofeld points out, Britain hasn't even been threatened!! Then again, Bond does have a good record against Blofeldian schemes, so maybe that made sense. And when attack time comes, they do effectively blow up the platform, which is good because Bond did fail to stop the satellite, and needed the American cover to smash the control room.

Tiffany Case is the first American Bond Girl, and James must have been impressed, because he didn't bed any other ladies the whole movie. But we do show an incompetent American sheriff with a southern accent--sadly, not the last time.

Rating: 3 Cletus'.

I've always found it interesting that American audiences would so fall in love with a movie series that took every opportunity to portray Americans as arrogant, foolish, incompetent and generally inferior to England in every way. Perhaps it was the cultural tenor of the times--America was the strongest economically and militarily, but we had a pretty huge inferiority complex culturally, assuming that almost anything British must be superior to American crassness.

We'll revisit this later, and see how other eras' Bond movie treated we poor, hapless Americans, in different times.

Thunderball

Folklore has it that, while recording the title song for Thunderball in the studio, singer Tom Jones fainted while trying to sustain that ridiculously loud and long note at the end of the song. You certainly don't hear that in the performance (unless, of course, they used an alternative take), but it's a great story.

True or not, that is an apt metaphor for the movie Thunderball. The producers reach for something bold and striking and ridiculous, and in the end (according to some) fail. They weren't just making Bond #4, they were making the sequel to the monster phenomenon of Goldfinger, and felt they had to make it bigger and better in every way. They threw everything but the kitchen sink at the screen, and as a result created a bloated, unfocused mess. So some say.

But like the song, I don't see that failure here. Sure, Thunderball has its faults and warts. But I like Thunderball more than most, and I think that it accomplishes most of what it sets out to do.

This was the story Broccoli and Saltzman wanted to do for the first Bond movie, but the legal wrangling over Thunderball forced them to chose Dr. No instead (much, much more on that legal wrangling later in the week). That would have been a very interesting proposition, I think...the Thunderball story done on a much smaller budget, when they weren't quite sure of how to do all the elements of a proper Bond, no teaser...oh, wait, that was Never Say Never Again!!

Anyway, no matter what critiques you want to lay at the feet of Thunderball, you surely can't complain that every dollar of it's budget wasn't up on the screen. The massive sets, the wonderful use of the Bahamas, the 5,000 underwater stuntmen, all the military hardware, the Junkanoo,...no expense was spared, and it all ended up on the screen (even if you can argue that some of it shouldn't have).

This was the first James Bond film to break the 2 hour running time mark (a length that it would only dip below twice more in series history). Is that too long? A lot of critics contend that the final underwater fight is too long and boring, especially after all of the other underwater scenes in the film. Forgive me for disagreeing. Yes, it is long...but is it any longer than, say, storming the volcano in You Only Live Twice, or raiding the oil tanker in the Spy Who Loved Me? And this climactic Thunderball battle has the added advantage of being something no one had ever seen the likes of, before or after. Aside from a couple of minor continuity glitches, the battle is excellently choreographed...you never are lost as to what's going on. The languid, dreamlike pace of the underwater movements contrasts well with the viciousness of the fight, creating the most surreal battle seen I can ever remember seeing. And like most Terence Young directed fight scenes, you believe that this one is to the death for everybody involved. Boring? Balderdash!!

Still, there are cuts to be made. Unlike the underwater fight scene, the underwater "disguise the plane and take away the nukes" scene takes literally forever, and really stalls the film's momentum. And there's just too much going on once Bond gets to the Bahamas that doesn't advance the plot at all. The "Quist being caught in the hotel room and then fed to the sharks by Largo" sequence, for example, eats up a lot of screen time without telling us anything we didn't already know. And it just starts the perpetual back and forth of Largo trying to kill Bond, Volpe saying no not yet and besides I get to kill him, Largo makes a feint and Bond and fails, Bond discovers a tiny piece of info that he should have already known, Volpe makes a feint at Bond, ad nuaseum. The whole center of the movie could have used some real tightening.

Not the Junkanoo, though. Wow, that is so well done it blows my mind. They actually paid all expenses to stage a full Junkanoo parade 8 months early (or 4 months late?). The actors and cameras were basically left to fight their way through the parade and crowds as best they could. The result is very real tension and confusion on the screen, and another feather in Terence Young's cap.

The film's ending came across as particularly flat. After a somewhat ridiculous final battle marred by the deus ex machina of Kutze suddenly changing sides for no particular reason, and by the terrible looking sped-up footage--which apparently has the Disco Volante traveling at nearly warp speed and constantly passing the same stock footage--we're ready for a final bit of Bond/Domino romance. But no...she just sits in the raft looking bemused while we see every nanosecond of Bond hooking up his balloon harness. And then the rescue plane drags them away through the air, and we don't even get a final one-liner or a final kiss!! BOO!!

Otherwise, the Bond/Domino romance is handled particularly well, too. I can't say enough about how unbelievably beautiful and sexy Claudine Auger is, and the fabulous wardrobe they give her doesn't hurt, either. The underwater scenes are exotic and romantic, and the stars have a great chemistry together. And of course she gets the death blow against Largo. (But compare with For Your Eyes Only, where Bond spends the whole movie warning Melina not to kill in revenge...perhaps because of some ill consequences for Domino after the events of this movie?? That would be sad...) Domino is certainly in the running for the top Bond girl ever.

And speaking of Bond girls, in my opinion this is the most babelicious Bond movie EVER. Look at what we get: we start with his French contact, played by Mitsouko (a Japanese French agent? How exotic!!). Then we get our first scenes with Fiona Volpe (Luciana Pasluzzi), the sensual killer. Then we go to Shrublands, and spend a lot of time with Patricia Fearing (Molly Peters). After Bond steals her from Count Lippe, we have some some of the hottest scenes ever (think mink gloves). I was always disappointed they never brought her back, because she sizzled. Then we meet Bond's Bahamas "assistant," Paula (Martine Beswick, who was one of the gypsy girls in From Russia With Love). Then we meet Domino. In terms of both quantity and quality, this is an unrivaled bevy of beauties. Talk about a cornucopia...

Speaking of Fiona, what a great henchman!! Clearly more competent than all of those around her, she proves a much better opponent for Bond than either Lippe or Largo or Vargas. She's the one who's a match for 007, and she's the one who comes closer to taking him out than anyone else in the movie. She also has quite the classic death scene. (I have to say, every time I rewatch Thunderball, I find myself disappointed again by Vargas. Yes, he has a great death and the classic death quip, and everyone remembers Largo's classic description of him, but he doesn't actually do anything. He can't keep Paula from killing herself, he's always chasing Bond but never catching him...really, besides his death he doesn't have a single memorable moment in the whole film!!)

As for Largo himself, well, S.P.E.C.T.R.E #2 talks a good game, and he sure looks like your prototypical Bond villain. But man, he is just pretty pathetic. While barely working up a sweat, Bond beats him badly at cards, beats him at skeet shooting without even looking at the target, steals his woman, kills his top henchpersons, and thwarts his master plan. And Largo consistently can't seem to do anything about it. He's no Goldfinger, that's for sure.

And let's talk about that master plan. I have a few suggestions, Emilio. Number one, don't hang around the sister of the man you killed to get the bombs. She's the only link Bond has. If you sent her to California or Spain for a vacation, Bond never gets anywhere near you! Plus, keeping her around is good way to get yourself killed when she finds out what you've done to her brother. There's a good question--did Largo take up with Domino before the operation got underway, and that's how he found Derval? Or did they target Derval first, and that led to his becoming infatuated with Domino? Or was it all some ridiculous coincidence?

Number two, why in the world keep a bomb, let alone both bombs, so close to where the plane went down? If the plane is found, you should know they'll intensify the search in that area. Your first step after securing the nukes should have been to send one of them to S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Island or somewhere secure. Send the one you intend to use ahead to Miami. Whatever you do, don't keep both bombs close to the plane AND close to Domino. That's just begging for Bond to find you.

Third, and most importantly, DON'T GIVE SOMEBODY A SEVEN DAY DEADLINE FOR NUCLEAR BLACKMAIL!!! What, are you a complete moron? (In fairness, that one might have been Blofeld's fault...). 7 freakin' days?? That's begging to be found. Why give them time to find you, or find a way out? Seven days, with the bombs just sitting in one place?!?!?!?! Man, Matt Helm could have found you in that time frame. Next time, give 'em 24 hours. Sheesh...

Anyway, in contrast to Largo's buffoonery, Bond is particularly effective this time around. Perhaps they had realized what a nimrod he was last movie, or perhaps it's just the natural evolution of the character. But in this film, he's confident and ruthless, and perhaps becoming just the tiniest bit overconfident. After the vicious murder of Boitier, 007 takes the time to throw flowers onto his corpse. After investigating Lippe's suite at Shrublands, he takes time to swipe a piece of fruit. Reckless, or self-assured? This is the Bond most people think of, the perfect balance of charm and steel and pluck, the gentleman who can kill at a moments notice, who can woo every lady (hey, Fiona claimed she wasn't impressed, but she still went back for seconds!), and S.P.E.C.T.R.E. and its goons are no match for him. Sean Connery is razor sharp in this film, never letting his bemused winks at the audience get out of hand, and clearly relishing everything he's asked to do.

This film also has the best Bond/M moments. Yes, they joust. But twice, when outsiders question Bond's competence, M swiftly and strenuously rises to his defense, "If 007 says he saw this man, than that's enough for me." This is a good working relationship, where M doesn't let his annoyance at some of Bond's habits get in the way of his absolute respect for the man's abilities. We would rapidly lose this quality between them, as later films (especially under Moore, when M could barely seem to tolerate his presence) tended to devolve the relationship into M seemingly putting up with Bond only because he has no other choice. It wasn't until Brosnan/Dench that we regained the level of respect we see here.

In fact, in terms of dialogue at least, this is a very sharp script. There were so many hands involved at various points, that the plot suffers the tiniest bit, both from padding and some plot peculiarities. But the dialogue sparkles throughout, and I'm glad to give most of the credit for that to Richard Maibaum. The Bond/M scenes above, the hilarious put downs Fiona Volpe aims at Bond (not to mention mocking the end of Goldfinger!), Bond and Domino, Bond and Patricia Fearing...the dialogue sparkles throughout. Bravo!!

Ken Adam? The man just goes crazy. Check out the secret S.P.E.C.T.R.E. headquarters:

...and the frankly insane MI-6 conference room:


Fact: Ken Adam is god. Another fact: Ken Adam has a new book coming in November, which looks to be a must for fans of the Oscar-winning production designer.

The teaser also reinforces the "Bond swagger/S.P.E.C.T.R.E. lame" idea of the movie. How big a pussy is S.P.E.C.T.R.E. #6, that he needs to fake his death and pose as his own widow, just to hide from Bond?? Seriously, grow a pair. 007, meanwhile, saunters in casually, so supremely confident of his ability to single-handedly knock off Bolthier that he's almost overcome in the antique-smashing brawl. His gesture to toss the flowers almost gets him caught by Boltier's goons. And rather than dispatch those same goons, or make a thrilling escape, the movie is content to merely make fools out of them, letting us watch as they're taken out by essential a big fire hose. Has the playfulness edged just the tiniest bit over into smirk and snark?

Which brings us back to the theme song. It was supposed to be "Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" by Dionne Warwick, but at the last minute the producers decided they had best have the film title in the theme song (a novel concept that, obviously, they didn't apply the same rule to Octopussy or Casino Royale (2006)...) And the effort put out by Tom Jones, and John Barry, has all the strengths and flaws of the movie. It's bold, exciting, adventurous. At the same time, it's over the top, desperate to top Shirley Bassey's Goldfinger, and (according to legend) too ambitious to be sung without passing out. Gloriously fun, but not 100% successful. And that's the movie in a nutshell--it's not Goldfinger or From Russia With Love, but that's no reason to damn it with faint praise.

Of course, the real question is, would that constant need to top themselves, and the increasing smugness and jokiness, continue? And how would it effect the series? Only time would tell...

SNELL'S RANDOM NOTES AND OBSERVATIONS:

**Maurice Binder's first "live action" title sequence makes its appearance here...we've come a long way from just projecting scene onto a woman's body, and Bond title sequences would never be the same again.

**While we're ragging on Largo's plan, what exactly is the profit margin S.P.E.C.T.R.E.'s plan? Sure, $100 million was a good chunk of change back in 1965, but look at the costs: an underwater cavern carved out just to hide the bombs, underwater landing lights, the specially-outfitted Disco Volante, hundreds of goons, all the training and prep for Angelo...I'm just saying, they might have been better off sticking to blackmail and drug running...

**One final question about the plan: Angelo says he's spent two years in training, surgery, etc, preparing for this role. Even if we allow for some exaggeration, the question is this--how did S.P.E.C.T.R.E. know, 2 years earlier, that Derval would be assigned to a training flight with nukes? I mean, what if Derval were transferred, or retired, or died, or was never assigned to a nuclear flight? That would have been a heck of a lot of time and effort down the crapper, eh? Or did Lippe have many doubles in preparation, ready to replace any one of several NATO officers?

**Oh, and NATO--is it really a good idea to have live nukes on your training flights? Really??

**You do have to admire S.P.E.C.T.R.E. perks--like these kicky T-Shirts!!

**As I mentioned above, we do finally get a look at many of S.P.E.C.T.R.E's smaller scale schemes: assassinations, drug running, consulting on robberies. If only they'd stayed in the background like this, they might have stayed of Bond's radar. But nooo, they had to get nuclear bombs...

**BLOFELD KILL!! Poor, #9, but very relieved #11...

**Note for all villains: if you're going to be secret members of a secret group, it's not a good idea to wear HUGE freaking ring with that organization's symbol on it. Note Largo:

And Volpe:

Man, can you make Bond's job any easier?? Why not just wear T-Shirts saying "Hi, we're S.P.E.C.T.R.E!!"??

**Rick Van Nutter--what can be said? Uhhh....seriously, was Eon's goal to find the blandest Leiter possible every film, so Bond looks better? I mean geez, talk about a boring performance (and to be fair, boringly written)! No surprise that we're done with Felix for a few films...

**Another Terence Young trademark: a hotel clerk checks out James Bond's ass again:

**Look--other Double-O agents!! All of them!! in one room!

It's cute how they manage to not really show you the faces of any of them. I wonder...which one is Alec Trevelyan?? They're all male, apparently...

**Bond Score: you may disagree with me, but I think it's pretty clear that Bond scores with both Mitsouko ("Later, perhaps") AND Paula (c'mon, they shared a suite!!). And in Fiona, Patrica, and Domino, and that's 5. An all-time record! Cumulative Bond Score: 16!

**How big a loser is Largo?:

He has to play his employees at in order to win at baccarat. He has to take money from his hard-working henchmen!! And Vargas, I thought you were passionless!! Gambling??

**The instrumental version if Mr Kiss Kiss Bang Bang showed up during the scene at the Kiss Kiss Club..but really, is that an appropriate song for a loud bongo solo in the middle??

(Shut up, dummy, you're messing with an obvious homage to The Man Who Knew Too Much) (I know, but come on...a bongo solo??)

They neglected to put it in the closing credits this time, but JAMES BOND WILL RETURN IN...wait a minute...what's happening...some freak break in the space-time continuum...JAMES BOND WILL RETURN IN..a comedy version of Casino Royale??!!??